June 12, 2003
I'm getting old. And it stinks. I also am having a hard time believing it.

My nephew was born 2 1/2 weeks before my 30th birthday. I remember flying to Denver to hold him and enjoy this little boy. It was a wonderful 30th birthday gift. However, every year that he ages, I'm continually reminded that I am 30 years older than he is. And last August, he became a teenager.

Until last February, Matthew lived in Denver. I wasn't continually reminded that his age and my age were so interrelated. Then, his family moved to Nebraska. So, I see him a lot - and the age difference is apparent to me all the time. Honestly though, I'd rather see him and his brother and sisters all the time. I'm so thankful they live here, so I'm not really complaining - just stating how it is!

My 30th birthday was fabulous. I was excited to be alive, I'd made it through some of the hardest years of my life (opening Insty-Prints, mother's death, keeping Insty alive after mom's death, dad's remarriage, on and on). So, I didn't have anything to be upset about. I was just happy to be here!

I turned 34 and decided that boring was where I was - and I didn't like it much. So, I pulled my own little rebellion - streaked a part of my hair purple. (Ok, I know...I'm really boring). But, that was pretty big for me. Then, I met Max online and before I was 35, I was married to a wonderful man. So, that milestone passed and I was still doing alright.

I turned 40. Again, not a huge crisis in my life - I invited some friends out for pizza and it passed. But, 41? Oh my goodness. I was not happy. You see, when I was young, I remember identifying my 41st birthday as the year that we turned to the new millennium. 2000 would be here and I would be 41. That was going to be old.

So, old I was! And I have felt it ever since.

Now, it's the little things. Aches and pains show up every single day. I remember sitting in a Pampered Chef party listening to a woman describe every surgery that she had been through since she turned 40. It seemed that she had major surgery from head to toe. Nine of them at her last count. I couldn't believe it! What an ominous thought. It haunted me for quite awhile.

Then, since I'm a woman, I get to look forward to menopause. Night sweats, hot flashes, hormonal ups and downs (hmmmm...my husband gets to look forward to this too!). Although it was a hidden subject for years and no one ever talked about it - that's completely changed. Now, everyone believes that information is power and women should be fully informed about their bodies.

Yes, I agree fully with that - but I don't think I want to know all of this information. I read about another symptom of menopause and then I begin to feel it. Did you know that there's such a thing as pre-menopause? For 10 years before it actually hits? Sheesh. One more thing for me to think about. I am concerned about every possible change my body makes. I'm feeling my breasts all the time, looking for lumps.

Found one a couple of weeks ago - cold sweat (as opposed to the hot, night sweats). I nearly threw up where I was sitting. The lights were all out and I was just trying to relax and fall asleep. This one felt a little odd - large, and close to the surface. Of course it was on the bottom of my boob and when I turned the light on - couldn't see it immediately. Flipped the boob up and it was some kind of boil or zit! I was squeezing pus out. Sheesh! I've never had one of those before either! It's finally gone and I'm back to checking myself out regularly, waiting for another panicked moment.

The aches are awful! My joints are reminding me daily that they exist. Knees hurt, wrists (too much typing - carpal tunnel I'm sure. I've played the piano for years and never had a problem - what's up?), my back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my ankles hurt, sometimes my hip hurts. Hello!!! That's just wrong. I should have purchased stock in the company that makes Advil. It's the only drug I will take on a regular basis.

Television tells me daily that there are plenty of drugs that will heal all of my aches and pains. I hate taking those things - so, a little pain is preferable, I guess.

I'm only 43 years old. I have a lot of years ahead of me. Wow is this going to be something to look forward to.

By the way, I really don't like to complain about all of this. God has given me the gift of a body that gets me where I want to go, a mind that allows me to be creative and a soul that is constantly reaching out for Him. And you know what? The future is going to be something to look forward to.